| i think it's venting time.
wow. at times i get really excited about college and everything. i get happy when i think about moving out in a couple of months and beginning a life of my own. and then there's times when i feel like i'm not ready at all. my parents aren't helping at all. they just keep discouraging me. they tell me everything that's wrong with me and remind me constantly...about how i can't handle responsibility, that i'm just a kid. sometimes i just feel worthless, a disappointment. man. it sucks they had me. i'm nothing they want me to be. this is extremely depressing and frustrating. so after much emotional drama and deliberation...i decided to go to UCSB. it was the most difficult decision i ever had to make. on one hand, i could choose to attend UC Davis...that would make my parents happy. perhaps they'd love me more if i went there. but then, i don't like norcal at all. i just get this weird vibe everytime i visit. when i was walking by myself on the campus, this large group of asian girls stared me down. they stared me down and whispered to each other. umm ok, i was so confused. anyway, the campus was gorgeous and everything, but i had a hard time picturing myself attending there. i didn't like the fact it was in the middle of nowhere...
so on the car ride back to my aunt's house (a grueling 1 1/2 hours...the longest 1 1/2 hours of my life), my dad began his attack on me. he kept saying how he and my mom thought it was best i attend davis because i'm a mediocre person...that i'm in the middle of the pack and won't be anything better. he also said i was highly influenced by other people and that i'm an impressionable and naive girl. yeah, right, dad. i'm so easily influenced by peer pressure that i never went to a single party during my four years at high school...that i never even tried a sip of alcohol or smoked a cigarette or tried pot. mmhmm, yup. i guess i'm just so ignorant and stupid to not be able to make my own decisions. he thinks i'm going to go to santa barbara and party all the time, become a drunk whore and flunk out. this only makes me want to try harder to spite him and show him i'm worthy, that my life actually has a purpose dammit. he wouldn't even listen to me when i told him that SB's communcations program is top notch..#1 communications research in the nation, that is. he told me he wouldn't pay for my education if i went to SB. god. i have never felt so much emotional pain in my life. as we were driving on the golden gate bridge, i wanted so badly to open the car door and jump out. seriously, i was so upset, i was shaking. there was just so much rage, you can't even comprehend. i couldn't believe my parents would be so unsupportive. oh well.
well...i didn't even consider going to UCSB until i got rejected from UCLA and UCSD. it sucks having to settle...ugh.
so anyway, i'm going to be a gaucho now. i guess my parents and i are on good terms. my mom was much more understanding. my dad and i aren't speaking. it was torture spending friday and saturday with him. the whole time, it was him criticizing my every flaw...and me just taking it all, remaining silent with tears streaming down my face. i just hope i made the right decision. it doesn't feel right, right now. what if i made the biggest mistake of my life? i'm so scared. i just don't know anymore. |
